If Life Is So Good, Why Am I Not That Happy?
Home >> Blog >> Catagory >> If Life Is So Good, Why Am I Not That Happy?
Have you ever had that experience where everything in life seems to be going as planned, yet you simply aren’t that happy?
You are plugging along, usually pressed for time, going to work, raising kids, spending time with family, paying bills and it just feels like the same… stuff, different day.
And at some point it dawns on you, I’m really not that happy doing this. Is this all there is? This can be a particularly scary thought, especially when things are going reasonably well.
Then life happens, as it inevitably does, and problems show up, life gets hard and feelings of unhappiness can intensify even further.
I’ve had this experience and the good news is looking back – there were clues. Life was incredibly busy, there was little free time, big demands, same old routine, lofty expectations….just to name a few.
Since that time, I have seen literally hundreds of clients come to our clinic with the same issue and I always smile inside and think, “Ah, you’ve come to the right place!”
Below, I will outline 12 critical tips that will help you create a happier, more fulfilling life.
1. Be grateful
It is common for me to ask clients the question, “What is going well?” and usually I get a look back that conveys “Uh nothing, otherwise I wouldn’t be here”. But if you really dig in, chances are there are probably quite a few things going well.
Often, there are important areas in life going well such as physical health, mental health, relationships with family and friends, career or school, hobbies, living in a great country (it’s good to be Canadian!), etc. Within these areas of life, there are likely many things that are going well and if you created a habit of focusing on them and feeling grateful for 5 to 10 minutes, it would make you feel happier.
Emmons & McCullough (2003) appeared to have the same theory and conducted a study in which they asked participants to write down 5 things they were grateful for during the past week. This exercise was completed 10 times over the course of 10 weeks.
What did they find?
Being grateful resulted in a 25 % increase in happiness when compared to a control group who didn’t practice gratitude.
One way to potentially amplify this effect and create even stronger feelings of happiness would be to recall a period in your life when you didn’t have something you are currently grateful for but wished you had (e.g., someone who is grateful for their physical health could recall a time when there was a serious concern in this area).
Action plan: Try this now. Take a few moments to get into a comfortable position, breathe slowly, close your eyes and focus on something that makes you feel grateful. Now, take a moment to recall how you felt when there was a significant problem or struggle in that area.
There should be a significant difference. Now, recall your feelings of gratitude once again now that this issue has been resolved. That is the feeling you are after!
2. Evaluate your expectations
If I could only pick one area to help improve happiness, this would probably be it. When there is a gap between what we expect in an area of our life and how we perceive things to be, happiness suffers.
How predictable is this?
Researchers at University College London were able to develop a mathematical equation (tested on 18,420 people worldwide) which can predict moment-by-moment happiness (Rutledge et al., 2014).
So, is the key to happiness to set expectations really low to ensure that your expectations and your perception of reality match? Not exactly! But we need a better plan for setting and evaluating expectations.
Action plan: Try this 6-step plan for evaluating expectations:
- Realize where you have expectations in your life (you might be surprised how many areas there are).
- Assess if there is a gap between your expectations and how things are currently.
- Are your expectations realistic? If not, how can you adjust them in a way that they serve you better?
- Is your assessment of reality accurate? You need to be like a lawyer with this one and examine the evidence?
- If there is a gap, what can you do to narrow it so expectations and reality are better aligned?
- Create self-talk statements to help manage feelings of frustration and unhappiness when there is a gap between expectations and your reality.
3. Find joy in everyday experiences
Most of our lives will be spent doing the usual “stuff” that people do – eating, cleaning, cooking, working, socializing.... to name a few. Given the amount of time these activities take, it is wise to do your best to live in the present moment and experience as much enjoyment from these activities as humanly possible; no matter how ordinary or mundane these things may seem at the time.
Nowadays, with the popularity of social media, many people feel the need to document these types of activities from their lives online for everyone to see.
While this might be quite annoying to some, it turns out this can be a good thing. New research shows that we gain an unexpected amount of enjoyment from looking back on everyday moments.
Zhang et al. (2014) asked 135 students to create a time capsule that included a recent conversation, the last social event they attended, 3 favourite songs, etc.
When the students opened the time capsule 3 months later, they found that not only did they underestimate the enjoyment they would experience revisiting these items but they rated the items as being more meaningful to them than they initially predicted.
Need further convincing? Think about the last time you stumbled across an old photo, watched an old video, read something you had written in the past or even heard an old song that you enjoyed. How’d you feel?
For most, there is a feeling of excitement and rediscovery that’s usually followed by a big, toothy grin. That’s the feeling we are after!
Action plan: You don’t need to make a time capsule but here are a few everyday experiences you consider revisiting every 1 – 3 months (Note: don’t overdo the revisiting everyday experiences as studies show it loses effectiveness if done too often):
- Look at old photos
- Search old social media posts
- Spend some time on YouTube listening to a few songs from one of your favourite years
- Look at some artwork your child made
- Read something you had written to someone you care about (perhaps a card or an email)
4. Accept that setbacks and challenges are part of life
One of the most difficult parts of life is to accept that bad things are going to happen, especially when hardships occur in bunches over a relatively short period of time.
When this occurs, it is important to be aware of our individual rules about setbacks and challenges. If the rule reads something like, “I can only be happy when things go well.”, or “I can’t deal with anything else going wrong”, you have rules that will inevitably lead to feelings of unhappiness.
Instead, we want to make peace with the fact that life is full of setbacks and challenges and simply view this as part of the human experience.
How do we know this? Here’s an example.
How do children learn to walk? They fall down thousands of times! And this pattern persists throughout life. We are designed to make mistakes and experience setbacks, so we can learn, grow and get better. And as we get better, we are able to have, do and be more than we are now.
And while we are going through tough times, the goal is to be as happy as possible and enjoy the process; otherwise, you have sentenced yourself to a roller coaster of emotions.
What is the best way to deal with difficult life experiences?
Action plan: For this one, we will look to researcher Joachim Stoeber. In his 2011 study in the journal Anxiety, Stress and Coping, he identified 3 coping methods for dealing with setbacks (Stoeber et al., 2011). These are:
- Acceptance (simply accept that this stuff happens)
- Positive reframing (finding any positive meaning you can when dealing with tough times)
- Humour (do your best to laugh and not take life too seriously)
5. Self-acceptance
I’m good enough
I’m smart enough
And doggone it, people like me!
Those are positive affirmations and not exactly what we are driving at here!
With self-acceptance, you are trying to come from a place of being good enough “just because” it is a basic human right. I have often asked clients if they could imagine holding a new born baby and saying, “Hey kid, you haven’t proved anything yet. I guess we’ll find out if you’re worthwhile or not”.
Of course not.
Loving a child is seen as a natural and expected thing to do. As individuals, we should be no different. We should strive to accept ourselves as we are. This doesn’t mean we can’t strive to make improvements in life, but it is important to acknowledge that we have strengths and weaknesses (just like everyone else) and make peace with it. Otherwise, we have sentenced ourselves to feel unhappy.
Despite being one of the keys to happiness, self-acceptance appears to be one of the habits we practice the least. In a survey of 5,000 people by the charity Action for Happiness, it was found that self-acceptance was one of the top 10 “happy habits”, yet study participants reported putting the least amount of time into it.
So, how can you get better at self-acceptance?
Action plan: The researchers of the study suggest 3 methods:
- Be as kind to yourself as you are to others (and, of course, why shouldn’t you be?).
- Ask a person you trust to be honest, what your strengths are (otherwise, you won’t buy the answer).
- Spend some time alone and simply practice being at peace with yourself (this could involve reviewing and accepting both your strengths and weaknesses).
This area is particularly important given that you are going to spend a lifetime with….well, you. So, if there is one place to invest time, it is well worth it to spend time getting comfortable in your own skin.
6. Be social
This one could be viewed as another fundamental human need. No matter how introverted (someone who prefers spending time alone) one might be, we all have a need for human companionship.
How do we know this?
If this wasn’t the case, we would all live alone in the bush with a shotgun telling people to “move along” at the first sight of another human being.
Yet, we don’t. We have partners, families, friends, and live in communities. Not to mention, why did social media explode in popularity? We are social beings by nature.
One study supporting the impact of socializing on feelings of happiness was completed by Thach & Lyubomirshy (2006). The researchers asked 500 study participants about the strategies they used to increase happiness. Guess which strategy was #1?
Not surprisingly, being social topped the list of happiness habits.
And for some, when life gets busy, this is one of the first areas we let slide, as there is “no time” for friends and family. Needless to say, this is an area of life where we want to create some time.
Action plan: This one almost seems a bit silly to make a plan for, but it is really all about just making it a priority. Here are a few quick thoughts:
- Make a plan to go to lunch (set in advance and don’t break it unless hell freezes over)
- Invite family or friends over for dinner (you have to eat anyways!)
- Plan to go out at least one night a month and set it in advance (once again, the sky needs to be falling to break this plan)
- With close friends or family, invite them along for company while running a few errands (or better yet, do your running around together)
Like many things in life, you are only limited by your creativity on this one. And think about this for a moment, when was the last time you were socializing with a close friend or family member and you didn’t enjoy yourself or think, “Geez, we really should do this more often”?
You can’t get back time. The clock is ticking. Make it happen.
7. Don’t get too caught up with materialism
So, what’s wrong with wanting nice things?
Nothing, actually.
Nice things exist in the world for people to appreciate and own. It only becomes an issue when the focus turns into an obsessive desire to get the things you want but currently don’t have. When this happens, it is more difficult to appreciate the things you already have.
A study by Tsang et al. (2014) found that people who were materialistic felt less gratitude, as well as lower levels of life satisfaction.
According to researcher, James Roberts, as we amass more and more possessions, we don’t get any happier – we simply raise the bar for other things we want to have that we hope will make us happy. He refers to this pattern as “the treadmill of consumption”.
Consider this: there are likely things you have now that once were things you wish you owned. Yet, you still experience unhappiness (otherwise, you probably wouldn’t be reading this article).
What’s needed here is a shift in mindset.
Action Plan: The goal here is to change the pursuit of material possessions from “achieving to be happy” to “happily achieving”. What does that mean?
- With “achieving to be happy”, the goal is to achieve things in order to create feelings of happiness. Once the goal is achieved, these feelings typically melt away quickly and unhappiness returns. A new materialistic goal is set and the pattern repeats…with the hope that a new item or possession will lead to sustainable happiness.
- With “happily achieving”, the purpose is to enjoy and feel grateful about what you have achieved. Pursuing new goals isn’t a means to achieving happiness, but rather, a way to progress and expand your life. That’s what we want to strive for!
And when you achieve nice things, the purpose is to enjoy and appreciate them, as opposed to falling into the trap of hoping that an item or possession will bring true happiness.
8. Learn new things
Generally speaking, most of us feel a need to enhance our lives and make progress towards different goals. Sometimes, as we get a bit older and settle into life, it can become routine and mundane as we fall into a pattern of getting up, going to work, running a household, caring for children, etc.
As life becomes busy and time is limited, very little time if any, is given to creating variety and learning new things.
But picture this – imagine telling a child who is in school that they will remain stuck in the same grade indefinitely. They will learn the same material each year and they will not advance to the next grade.
We’d obviously have some pretty unhappy kids on our hands!
Yet, as adults, there is a tendency to get stuck in a routine and become bored and unhappy because “this is how it is supposed to be right now” and/or “there is nothing I can really do about it”.
In the survey cited earlier in this article, learning new things was a top 5 “happy habit” for the 5000 study participants. And chances are, it could be helpful for you.
Action Plan: Typically, the main resistance people have towards learning something new is the time required to pursue it. With that in mind, here are a few guiding principles to consider:
- Start small (keep the time commitment to a minimum)
- Ideally, select something you can do at home (or easily take with you)
- Find a good time to fit it into your life (i.e., when your children have gone to bed, when you have events in life that require waiting such as attending appointments, etc.
- Justify the time (list reasons for why doing something you enjoy is a must and not a want)
If you find that your small time commitment learning something new creates meaningful happiness that should be a clue to continue with it or even consider layering in more time to devote to new learning.
Given there are 168 hours in a week, we need to be to find at least a few hours to devote to something we truly enjoy.
9. Prioritize positivity
Although this one, might appear to be a no-brainer, it isn’t so easily achieved. I’ve often said to clients, if your goal in life was to feel neutral (neither positive or negative), you would likely end up feeling very negative.
Why?
Unfortunately, negativity is all around us. It dominates the news; it shows up in most discussions and is rampant online.
Speaking of the internet and social media, there was a landmark study completed by Coviello et al. (2014) in which the emotional content of over one billion status updates on Facebook were examined.
What did the researchers find?
Emotions are contagious online. So, viewing someone’s post can influence your mood to be either positive or negative. And given society’s tendency to be negative, being online can definitely hurt your mood.
Fortunately, there was a positive finding from the study, as it was found that positive emotions are more contagious than negative ones. So, the upside is that people are naturally more attracted to positive feelings.
But how do you prioritize positivity?
Action Plan: Begin to structure your life around activities that create feelings of joy and happiness. There will clearly be individual differences for how to structure your day but let’s look at a quick example of a daily plan that could help someone to feel more positive:
- relax and enjoy morning coffee by yourself (even for 5 – 10 minutes)
- read an article from your favourite writer
- quickly gloss over (or better yet, skip!) the negative articles in the news
- talk to a happy, positive co-worker
- have lunch with a positive friend or family member
- take 10 minutes after work to decompress and do something you enjoy (even if it means staying at work or sitting alone in your car)
- watch your favourite show with your partner once your kids have gone to bed
You get the idea. Stacking positive activities in everyday life, no matter how small they might seem, helps to create feelings of happiness. And according to a study by Catalino et al. (2013), prioritizing positivity can do even more than that. In their survey of 233 people, they found that prioritizing positivity also resulted in better relationships, more resilience and more mindful behaviour.
One very important note from this study – trying too hard to be happy actually makes things worse. The researchers found that trying too hard to be happy or paying too much attention to how happy you feel was counterproductive.
So, ditch the self-monitoring and just let happiness happen!
10. Be more extroverted
I can already hear the introverts saying things like, “I don’t like people.”, “That’s why I text instead of call.”, and “How can doing something uncomfortable make me happier?”
Well, my argument would be that, even though it may be uncomfortable at times, we are all designed for connection.
Ching et al. (2014) appeared to share the same theory as they had study participants act in an outgoing way for 10 minutes and report how it impacted their feelings. The researchers found that study participants experienced a notable boost in happiness, including those individuals who consider themselves to be introverts.
What was particularly interesting about this study is that the results seem to be universal, as they found the same results when testing individuals in the United States, Venezuela, the Philippines, China and Japan.
Action Plan: The beauty of this happiness tip is that it can be easily worked into your day and takes very little time. Here are a few quick examples:
- Spend a few minutes talking to a co-worker
- Chat with a receptionist when attending an appointment
- Talk to a stranger in an elevator (instead of staring at your phone!)
- Say “hi” to someone you are about to walk past
- Talk with another parent while attending your child’s practice
- Stop to thank or compliment someone meaningful to you
And remember, the goal is to continue stacking small activities throughout the day, such as taking a few minutes to socialize with people that can help to produce big gains in feelings of happiness.
11. Be a giver
Think about this for a moment. What does it feel like to give? Give a gift? Give your time? For most, there is an inner feeling of joy that comes from giving, particularly when you see the joy that it brings someone else or the positive impact that it can have on someone’s life.
I’ve often said that volunteering is a wonderful, giving pursuit; yet, if it felt like getting a root canal, how many people do you think would do it?
When we give, it feels good, almost as if we were wired to feel that way.
Helliwell et al. (2013) looked at the relationship between doing nice things for other people and feelings of happiness. Their study was quite expansive as they examined 255 metropolitan areas across the United States. Not surprisingly, they found that people and communities are happier when they give and do nice things for others. And the researchers discovered that it doesn’t need to be done on a particularly large scale.
Action Plan: Create a list of small things that you could do that wouldn’t involve a significant amount of time, but could be highly impactful for someone else. A few examples might include:
- helping a neighbor
- holding a door for someone who needs assistance
- volunteering
- making a donation to charity
- listening to someone who needs to talk
- asking someone over for dinner
There is literally an endless list that could be created here but the end result is a win-win situation. You win by giving and the other person wins by receiving the benefit of your kindness.
12. Have a sense of purpose
What’s the meaning of life? Now there is a loaded question! And chances are, the answer is highly individual. What gives one person’s life purpose and meaning can be very different from another. But establishing meaning and a sense of purpose can be very important factors when attempting to solve your own, personal happiness equation.
Without meaning or a sense of purpose, people can be left feeling aimless and confused about what the point of life is anyhow.
So, how important is a sense of purpose? Once again, I’ll refer back to the survey by the Action for Happiness. In their examination of everyday habits that make people happier, meaning/sense of purpose landed in the top 10.
Action Plan: This is an area well worth exploring and if you are uncertain what the meaning or purpose to your life is, a good place to start would be to look at the areas of your life that are already meaningful. Such areas might include:
- being a parent
- volunteering
- career
- being a helpful person
- pursue and advance knowledge (e.g., doing research, innovating, etc.)
- support a social cause
- connection with family
When exploring your list, ask yourself if there is purpose and meaning with how you are currently living your life. If it feels like something is missing, here are a few questions to help you along the way:
- What are you passionate about?
- What do you enjoy doing?
- Is there something that a friend or family member is doing that could add a sense of meaning or purpose to your life?
- Imagine being older and looking back on life. Is there something meaningful you could be doing right now that you will regret later if you don’t do it?
- Is there a friend or family member who knows you well who could help answer this question?
Once you have created a list, simply start by selecting your favourite idea and pursue it for a while. If it doesn’t click, move on to the next one. Life is supposed to be a journey and finding meaning and a sense of purpose is well worth pursuing.
Conclusion
In this article, we reviewed 12 ways to feel happier – all backed by the latest scientific research. I’d suggest beginning by incorporating just one of these tips into your daily routine. Try it for a week and see how it impacts your overall level of happiness. From there, you can continue to slowly layer in other suggestions on the list that you feel will have the greatest impact on your overall level of happiness.
The goal is to gradually increase your happiness set-point (yes, happiness has a set-point, just like body weight) to a level that gives your life a sense of happiness and fulfillment that has you looking forward to living each and every day!
Did we miss anything?
What advice do you have for people struggling with being happy?
Do You Have Mental Health Questions?
The first step to living the life you deserve is to identify issues that are getting in your way.
About Sullivan + Associates
Sullivan + Associates Clinical Psychology is a full-service psychology clinic in Thunder Bay, Ontario. It was founded in 2007, by co-founders Jennifer and Trevor Sullivan, and has since grown to 44 team members including 28 Master and Doctoral Clinicians. In the past 12 years, we have provided services for over 20,000 children, adolescents, and adults. During this time, our Clinicians have been able to serve the community of Thunder Bay and Northwestern Ontario by providing over 100,000 client appointments.
Learn Psychological Strategies That Work!
Have our blog posts delivered right to your inbox. Learn how the latest scientific research can improve the quality of your daily life.
Need Help Implementing Strategies?
You've identified the issue, learned strategies, but could use some extra help. If you are interested in learning how to use the strategies in this blog or make mid-course corrections with whatever issue you are tackling, we'd be happy to help.
Why Is Change So?!?! Hard? And What To Do About It!!
Home >> Blog >> Catagory >> Why Is Change So Hard
Change
It’s everywhere.
Think about it for a moment.
Seasons change. Fashions change. Technologies change. Looks change. Laws change.
Songs are written about change.
So, if change is so common, why is it so hard to do? And why is it so hard to change something that we want to change?!?!
I don’t know that there is an easy answer to that question but I have a theory.
Generally speaking, we are creatures of habit. When we find thoughts and behaviours that meet our needs (whether they are healthy or not), we tend to stick with them. And when we find something that works, we are reluctant to change.
So, the key to change is convincing yourself how new thoughts and behaviours can better serve your needs.
And how do you do this?
Let’s start by looking at the two basic driving forces of human behaviour: pain and pleasure. Simply put, we tend to make decisions based on our desire to avoid pain or to seek pleasure.
So, if there is something you want to change in your life, it is helpful to associate as much pain as possible to the behaviour you want to change and create significant pleasure for engaging in a new pattern of behaviour.
So, let’s assume you’ve targeted the area in your life that you want to change. And you are highly motivated to change!
How long do you need to hang in there until the change takes hold? Is it really worth going after?
Recent research out of University of College London shows that in order for a change to become a habit, it takes an average of 66 days (Lally et al., 2009). Smaller changes tend to take less time, bigger changes take more.
All things considered, that’s a pretty short timeframe to create lasting change, especially when you consider that a true force of nature such as evolution often takes thousands of years to create a better version of ourselves (aren’t you happy to be walking upright?!).
But needless to say, creating lasting change in a relatively short period of time is no easy task.
Below I will discuss a 10-step plan to help create change in any area of life that you target.
1. Know Your WHY
You need to know WHY you want to change. Change is hard, so there better be a compelling reason to want to change; otherwise, you are likely to fall short of your goal.
Let’s say, for example, you want to lose weight (which is a common goal I hear from clients).
Your why should include reasons that make avoiding change painful and make the prospect of change, pleasurable.
So, let’s start with possible “pain” examples:
- I hate what it feels like getting winded just walking up the stairs.
- I am going to a wedding in 6 months on a tropical island and I want to look good in my dress.
- I want to be able to play with my grandchildren when I get older. If I don’t lose weight, that won’t be possible.
In case you are wondering how I came up with these, the examples I chose here are actual reasons I have heard from people over the years who wanted to lose weight and went on to achieve their goal.
And although having “pain” underlie your WHY may not be particularly positive, it works. New research in the Psychological Bulletin indicates that one specific type of pain, fear, can be helpful in producing change (Tannenbaum et al., 2007). What is particularly compelling about this study is that their conclusions were drawn by analyzing 127 studies (including 27,000 participants) over the past 50 years.
And for those of you who prefer a more positive, uplifting approach in establishing your WHY for making change, it will be important to focus on the pleasure you will gain by achieving the goal.
And one effective way to accomplish this goal, while also opening your mind to change, is to engage in a self-affirmation exercise where you spend 10 minutes each day focusing on what’s important to you. This could include areas such as physical health, family, mental health, friends, children, career, etc. The key is that the area you select must be meaningful to you.
Once you have selected an area (or areas) to focus on, it is important to create compelling statements that are designed to help you seek pleasure and proper you towards your goal.
In sticking with our weight loss example, here are a few possible WHY reasons.
- I want to run a marathon.
- I need to be in peak physical health to enjoy my life to the fullest.
- I want to look great in a bathing suit when I am out in public (and I suppose we could substitute the word “naked” into that sentence as well…we are in the province of Ontario after all!).
Ideally, I would encourage you to have both “pain” and “pleasure” reasons when establishing your WHY.
You will need it to refer to, particularly when the going gets tough, as life routinely does.
2. Pick a better, had time
You have probably heard sayings such as, “there is no time like the present” or “there is never a good time, so you might as well start now”.
While I do believe it is possible to make a change at any time, I think your chances of making successful lasting change go down exponentially if you pick a particularly difficult time to start.
I’ll use an example to highlight my point.
When my daughter Alexa was born she was colicky for the first 10 months of her life.
That was possibly the longest 10 months of my life!
During that time period, I could have begun a plan to make a change in my life. And to be fair, if it was extremely important to change, I’m sure I could have made it happen.
But without significant leverage (e.g., something impacting the health and safety of myself or my family, etc.), it would have been extremely difficult to change anything in my life at that time.
Instead, I had more meagre goals such as going from one sleep-deprived, irritable day-to-the next praying that the colicky phase would come to an end!
So, needless to say, when it comes to making change, it is important to set yourself up to succeed. Selecting a bad time to make a change, especially if it is a particularly difficult change to make, will likely lead to 2 things: failure to make the change you want and feelings of discouragement about your ability to make the change.
When you decide to change something, ideally you only want to pursue it once and turn it into a habit from there.
And the best way to do that is to pick a time when things are somewhat settled in life.
3. Pick one thing and park the rest (for now)
To be fair, there is research to show that you can make multiple changes at one time.
In reality, this is very difficult to do.
Let’s say, for instance, you would like to quit drinking alcohol, quit smoking, lose weight and learn a new language.
While this would be impressive, it is best to start by picking just one thing to change!
Why?
Because change is usually hard and it is quite difficult to make (and maintain) multiple changes at one time. And with each change you add, there is an increased risk that you will fall prey to “all or nothing thinking” (i.e., if I can’t make all of these changes at once, then I might as well give up on everything I’m attempting to change).
You have nothing but time to make any number of changes in life and you will likely be more successful if you focus on one change at a time.
4. Write it down (and measure it)
There is something about writing down what you want. It’s more than just putting pen to paper (or fingers to a keyboard or touch screen).
It makes it real. It provides a greater sense of commitment. And it is there to review.
And when you write it down, it is important to have a baseline measure for where you are starting.
For example, if you are attempting to quit smoking, it’s important to know how many cigarettes you smoke right now.
Also, be specific about what you want to change. In sticking with the smoking example, what is the goal? Is it to go from smoking a full pack of cigarettes to a half-pack? Is it to be a non-smoker?
This might sound a bit tedious but if you are taking a trip, you need an end destination. Imagine trying to tell your G.P.S. that you want to go Southish. If you’re using an iPhone, Siri will probably scold you for not being specific. Or at the very least, tell you, “I don’t understand. Please try again!”
So, if being vague isn’t good enough for Siri, it isn’t good enough for us! We need to be specific and write downplay if we intend to create a plan for lasting change.
5. Figure out the pattern that isn’t working
Whenever we set a goal to make a change, it is usually because something isn’t working in our lives.
It could be an area in life that was good at one time but has deteriorated, or perhaps it’s just an area that needs to improve as life has become more demanding.
Regardless, there is usually a pattern of thinking and behaving that we are running, that isn’t working well enough.
For instance, let’s say you want to lose 20 pounds. There’s likely a pattern of eating (i.e., overeating or eating too many foods that are full of fat and sugar) and activity (not enough activity or not the right type of activity) that has caused the problem.
So, needless to say, you need a plan. With the above example, you’ll want a plan for eating healthy and exercising out for starters (assuming you are in good physical health and ready to get started).
From there, you are going to want to plan a little further because simply having a plan to eat healthily and exercise regularly probably won’t be enough to get the job done.
For example, other areas you might want to plan for include:
- Establishing a time to have “less than healthy food” (having a plan to never eat junk food again likely isn’t going to work).
- Create a plan to eat healthy when treats and goodies are all around you (perhaps at work, where certain staff members insist on continually bringing this stuff in, or when you go to a restaurant).
- Target times when you are most susceptible to deviating from your healthy eating plan (e.g., between 8-10pm in the evening when you finally sit down after a stressful day and feel like you deserve a treat (or two), likely with a glass of wine (or two) after a hard day).
- Plan to prepare healthy meals.
- Establish a time to fit exercise into your day.
- Get enough sleep so you have energy to exercise.
- Create variety with exercise and nutrition so you can avoid boredom.
- Have a plan to successfully cope with all of the above items so you don’t decide that change is too much work and life is fine just the way it is!
You don’t need to plan for every possible hurdle, but it is important to plan for the ones you expect to come up against.
Chances are this isn’t your first crack at changing something. The good news is that you have the advantage of hindsight and can be better prepared this time.
6. Plan for obstacles
You mean with all of this planning, more obstacles are going to come up?
Didn’t we just finish planning for the usual hurdles?
Didn’t you just joke about how there were quite a few things to prepare for already and encouraged me not to become overwhelmed and give up?
And now you are telling me there is more to prepare for.
Yep.
In all likelihood, there will be more obstacles along the way. Both the expected and the unexpected.
Hey, as we established at the start, change usually isn’t easy. But it’s far from impossible and it comes to the persistent.
In this section, I’ll take a look at 4 of the most common obstacles that usually come up and interfere with our ability to make change.
- Life gets busy
Of course, life is always busy. But it tends to go in fits and starts and there are times when it becomes very busy.
Not surprisingly, life often gets busy shortly after we decide to make a change or set a goal. Life does seem to have a sense of humour.
So, when life gets busy there needs to be a plan of attack to stay the course with whatever it is you intend to change.
- Fatigue
With a busy life, often comes fatigue and a lack of sleep. When you get tired, it can be difficult to continue pushing forward and pursuing change when you feel wiped out.
What is your plan to push through fatigue?
What is the plan to minimize fatigue in the first place?
This is an area that you definitely want to prepare for and consistently monitor, so you don’t fall off track when pursuing your goal.
- Negative emotions
What are negative emotions?
Mad, Sad, Scared, Stressed and Bored would probably cover the 5 most common ones.
And when you feel this way (as we all do, at any one time or another), it can derail change in a hurry.
In order to tackle this area, it is helpful to anticipate which negative emotions have interfered with your ability to make change in the past and develop a plan to manage these emotions successfully.
Ideally, you want to develop a plan to catch these thoughts and feelings quickly, as well as an effective strategy to manage your negative emotions.
For instance, let’s say that feeling sad is the emotion that typically derails your progress. It would be helpful to list common automatic negative thoughts, feelings or situations that arise so you can be prepared.
The next step would be to develop a plan to change how you feel by altering your physiology (body). This could be accomplished by using a relaxation technique such as mindfulness, engaging in deep breathing, using self-soothing strategies, or perhaps, you may decide to radically change your physiology by engaging in a short burst of strenuous physical exercise.
Once you have changed your physiology, it would be helpful to challenge automatic negative thoughts with evidence-based self-talk, as well as prioritizing a bit of time to focus on what is going well in your life. If there is a challenging situation that is negatively impacting your mood, this would be the time to develop a plan to address it.
- Resolve internal conflicts
As if life wasn’t already complicated enough, we have conflicting thoughts.
What are conflicting thoughts?
These thoughts occur when we have two thoughts that oppose one another.
Here are a few examples:
- I want to eat whatever I want but still lose weight.
- I want to spend all of my free time with my family but I need to make time to exercise.
- I want to quit smoking but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable.
You get the idea!
These conflicts need to be resolved quickly; otherwise, you are going to feel conflicted every time you attempt to make change and pursue a new pattern of behaviour.
For instance, let’s use the time example listed above. You want to exercise regularly but you can’t seem to justify the time away from your children. In order to shift this thought (and possibly belief), it will be important to create a compelling reason that will move you to act consistently.
Here are a few possibilities…
It could be that you decide not exercising will ultimately take time away from your children, as simply won’t be around as long to enjoy them.
Perhaps, it is the realization that exercise needs to be shifted from something you do in your spare time to something that is a must, and you need to take the time from somewhere else in your life.
Or possibly, you come to the realization that it needs to be quality over quantity when it comes to spending time with your children. You make peace with the fact that a bit of extra time away from them to exercise does not need to negatively impact the relationship. Rather, it could improve the quality of your relationship, as you come to the realization that your limited time means that the quality of time you spend with your children must improve.
It doesn’t matter what reason you come up with. It just needs to be compelling to you, so you can ultimately settle that internal conflict and consistently follow through with your plan to create change.
7. If you fall off the bandwagon, make it a pit stop.
With any change you attempt to make, chances are you won’t do it perfectly (i.e., there’s a good chance you are going to slip up a time or two, or ten!).
The important thing is when, and probably not if, you stumble on the way, make it a pit stop.
And don’t fall prey to thinking and behaviour traps such as the “What-The-Hell Effect”.
No, I’m not making that up.
The “What-The-Hell Effect” is an actual scientific term used in psychology to describe what happens when we slip up on the way towards achieving a goal and then decide to blow it big time.
For example, let’s say someone is following a healthy eating plan and decides to have a slice of cake they weren’t initially planning to eat.
Realizing that they have now “blown it”, the thought process with the “What-he-Hell Effect” would go something like this, “I’ve blown it now. I might as well have another slice of cake, a bowl of ice cream and a few cookies. Today is just a write-off. I might as well just eat whatever I want.”
So, when the inevitable slip-up does occur, you want to catch it quickly, forgive yourself (self-affirmation has been proven to help with this) and recommit to the change you want to make.
Whenever you are looking to make a change, following a path of progress always needs to be the mantra. As long as you are continuing to make progress towards your goal, it’s working!
You will eventually get to where you need to go.
8. Have a timeline
With any change you intend to make, it is essential to have a timeline.
Without one, the change can seem too big and too difficult. For example, let’s say someone has an issue with drinking alcohol and they say to themselves, “I just need to stop drinking....forever”.
Initially, this is going to feel too big and too daunting to do. Instead, it is better to select a relatively short timeline for starters.
Depending on what you are attempting to change, your timeline could be a day, a week, a month, 2 months or longer.
For example, with someone who struggles with drinking alcohol, they may focus on avoiding alcohol one day at a time; whereas, a professional athlete who is looking to lose 10 pounds to make weight for an upcoming competition, might focus on change with a 12-week timeline.
Generally speaking, a good rule of time is to keep your blocks of time as short as possible when you are setting a goal. Change always feels more achievable when you chunk time into short intervals.
But remember, it is still a good idea to periodically take a peek at the number 66 on the calendar. Of course, this isn’t a magic number but if you can largely maintain a change for 66 days, there is good research that suggests it should become much easier to maintain that change, new thoughts and behaviour become more habitual and less mental energy is required to complete the task.
9. Make time to follow-up
With any change, the only way to know how well you are doing is to assess your progress.
For example, if you were attempting to learn a new skill, such as a martial art, you could measure progress by achieving a higher belt level (or demonstrating progress in that direction). If you are learning cross-stitch, you would expect to be able to do more demanding patterns or should be at a higher belt level. If you are trying to become more physically fit, you should be able to perform or complete a project in a shorter amount of time. You get the idea.
Without measuring, there is no way to know if you are moving towards achieving your goal in a timely manner.
Now, I know some of you are probably thinking, “I’ll just get started and see how it goes.” I implore you not to fall prey to the dreaded “feels like” measurement.
What is a “feels like” measurement?
Well, that isn’t a psychology term (I just made it up), but if it catches on I am happy to take credit! What I mean by the “feels like” measurement” is just using your best guess at whether or not something has improved, as opposed to using a consistent, reliable form of measurement.
For instance, if you want to lose weight, it is a much better idea to use a tape measure to check the size of your waist as opposed to going with the “I think my pants feel a bit looser” form of measurement.
I realize there is some risk with measuring, as there is a fear of feeling disappointed and ultimately giving up on your goal. However, when it comes down to it, you need to know the facts if you hope to successfully achieve your goal.
And if you happen to fall short of where you expect to be, that’s OK. This needs to be viewed as an opportunity. It’s a chance to recommit or to make mid-course corrections and adjustments.
If you are willing to do this, there is an excellent chance that you will eventually achieve the results you want.
And remember, don’t fall prey to the expectation that any change you attempt to make should be achieved on your first attempt.
Life isn’t like that. So, there is no need to be discouraged if you don’t make the change you want on the first attempt.
If the change is worth making, be in it for the long haul.
10. Celebrate
I saved the best for last. Out of all 10 steps, this one should be the easiest. But it is still important.
When you successfully make a change, it is important to celebrate.
Why?
Because you want your brain to associate as you want, it is important to celebrate because you want your brain to have a positive association between putting effort into making change and achieving the goal.
And, of course, when you achieve your goal, don’t celebrate by engaging in the old behaviour you just changed.
For instance, if your goal is to lose 20 pounds, don’t celebrate by going out to your favourite restaurant and tearing up the buffet.
We are going after lasting change here!
CONCLUSION
So, there you have it! A 10-point, step-by-step plan for creating permanent change.
And the single biggest challenge you will have in making any change will be managing your emotions while you stay the course or make mid-course corrections.
But it will be worth it!
The essence of life is change. We are designed to grow and “evolve” for the better.
And another thing that makes change particularly exciting is the opportunity to design your life the way you want it.
As time passes, you are going to change. Why not commit to making the change you want?
Are there any steps you would have added to help create positive, lasting change?