The Number Of Steps To A Perfect Apology (Complete With Formula)

So, you’ve screwed up and want to make things right!

Or perhaps, you didn’t screw up, but are sensitive enough to want to preserve someone’s feelings. This will likely take more than a simple “sorry”.

According to research, there’s work to be done here. A study in the journal, Negotiation and Conflict Management Research (Lewicki et. al., 2016) found that there are 6 steps.

Sounds like too much work? Nah! It’ll be worth the effort. And whoever is receiving your apology will surely be glad you put in the time and effort.

Here are the 6 steps (complete with example!):

• Expression of regret (e.g., “Sorry, I forgot our anniversary.”)
• Explanation of what went wrong (e.g., “I’ve been so caught up with work and coaching the kids.”)
• Acknowledgement of responsibility (e.g., “It’s my fault. I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.”)
• Declaration of repentance (e.g., “I feel terrible about it.”)
• Offer of repair (e.g., “I promise to make it up to you. We’ll go out tomorrow and celebrate our anniversary.”)
• Request for forgiveness (e.g., “Please forgive me. I know it was hurtful to forget.”)

Take Home Message

Follow the above plan but make sure a particularly good job on numbers 3 and 5. Research shows that you need to shine on acknowledging responsibility and making an offer of repair or your apology is at risk of falling flat!